Ticketmaster is evil and must be stopped

The commercial comes blasting on the television with that unique one of a kind gravel-throated maniac who seems to really love his job: “SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY…MONSTER JAM—GRAVEDIGGER–ALL KID’S SEATS JUST $15 BUCKS!”

I even manage to get a special promo code for $5 off an adult ticket. Ya baby. Lucky me. Sounds like a fun afternoon out for father and child. That is, until you get to the ticketmaster site and realize what sick, perverted, criminal cretins these bastards really are. What you see above is the screen right before hitting submit to check out. Let me tell you this. I DID NOT SUBMIT!!!!!

Let’s see….adult ticket $15, children’s ticket $15. So far so good. Now let’s see what we have here.  $2.50 “facility charge” PER TICKET. I don’t even know what this means! Shouldn’t the use of the facility be assumed and part of the ticket price? Can I see the show without the facility. Is this an option? Cause that would be really cool to see  monster trucks crushing cars down King Street outside the stadium! Then there is a $5.75 “Convenience Charge” PER TICKET. That was real convenient of me to use my own computer, time and resources to buy tickets instead of utilizing a human like the old days. Do they not owe me a salary for performing data entry on their behalf?

Before I got to this page, I decided to use my own printer, ink and paper to obtain my tickets. For that privilege, they charge another $1.75. Well at least I should be thankful that includes BOTH tickets. How nice of them.  However, what they don’t tell you is that suddenly an “ORDER PROCESSING FEE” of $6.50 is now going to be added. So just so we are clear, we started at $30 for a pair of tickets. There were then separate fees for FACILITY, CONVENIENCE,ORDER PROCESSING AND DELIVERY. That brings us to $54.75—or 82.5% above the ticket price.

But wait….it’s not over. Since I decided not to continue with the purchase, we thus miss the government creeps and their sales tax which would have put the tickets at over $60. That’s 2X the face value of the fucking tickets! Suddenly a cheap afternoon is anything but. Forget the fact that once we get there, I would be purchasing $8 popcorn, $6 cokes and $10 cotton candy, my beef is strictly with ticketmaster and their criminalistic service charges and questionable business practices (google ticketmaster, tickets now and scalping).

In the event ads they often say “We’ll sell you the whole seat but you’ll only need the edge!”  I’d rather just purchase the edge if that would make things any cheaper. Go fuck yourself Ticketmaster.

The new ambiance of KFC- Urinal Cake to Go.

Entering through the doors of the weathered, decaying KFC in my neighborhood, I was greeted with a wonderful aroma. Was it the unmistakable smell of that irresistible deep fried chicken we all love to munch like the obese shit eating drones we are? Perhaps it was the gravy. Oh god the gravy. So thick it’s considered a solid in 48 of the 50 states. Hot damn, it’s good isn’t it? Actually do American’s even put gravy on fries??? I’m from Canada…I wouldn’t know.

I only wish that was the scent in question. No, it was something else that was wafting up to my nostrils. Actually there was no waft about it. It hit me like a wall of stench and that stench was….URINAL CAKES! Not only is the oddly placed bathroom the first thing you see upon entering, it’s the first thing you smell!

mmmmm cake...

However, my addiction to this processed, artery clogging excuse for sustenance, led me through the stench and up to the counter where I was greeted by a woman in her 50s who was more than a little rough around the edges. To all you young girls out there, please, please, please take it easy on the tattoos! Furthermore, do not ever…never ever, never ever…never fucking ever get a tattoo on your goddam forearm! By the time you are as old as this broad, it will look like a wrinkled, shriveled homage to white trash everywhere.

I had been enticed inside the establishment by a picture of the new “boneless breasts in a box” they so nicely displayed on a vinyl cling smeared on the outside glass. I certainly prefer breasts to a bone so I was excited at the prospect. However, when I looked up and saw that a large box along with some fries and some shitty useless salads came to $35 fucking dollars, I immediately lost my hard-on and left for the finer pastures of the Arby’s down the street!

Does Jon Gosselin have Down Syndrome?

Just over 10 minutes into their triple threat cage match, Dr. Phil used his patented head smash to defeat both Dr. Drew and Dr. Oz to retain his title as the most asinine “doctor” on television.

“The last thing I remember was the glare of the lights and this over-sized cranium coming right at me,” declared Dr.Oz after the match. “I really thought I could win this. After all, I am a real doctor. I’m telling Oprah.

Dr. Drew was inconsolable but still managed to exploit 3 large breasted sex addicts at ring side. “I really think any doctor that goes by their first name has incurable narcissistic tendencies,” stated Dr. Drew before muttering “I really am a douche.”

In other entertainment news. This just in. Does Jon Gosselin have down syndrome or is he just a descendant of the Mongoloid race? Either way, making fun of a person with special needs is just wrong isn’t it?

Coming up next month in the Fall Brawl for father of the year, it’s Michael Lohan, Joe Jackson and Balloon Boy’s dad in a fight to the death (we hope). Balloon Boy’s Dad was a last minute replacement for Jon Gosselin who naturally did not qualify for the match due to his special needs status.