Mass Exodus- Mass Depression

There goes the neighborhood–literally. After several years of living in the same townhouse complex, four very close friends have decided to move all at the same time. During the summer, it seemed everyone would stay put for at least a year, but a mutual friend of all of ours who also used to live in the same complex, made a move from a rental home to a large detached house.

This was the push everyone needed and like dominoes, each fell under the same spell. When the first one left, it was strange but tolerable. When the second sold, a feeling of discomfort strangely settled into all of my joints and muscles. A third friend sold her house in one week and was gone during that same period. BAM!  Finally, the fourth has just sold and will move in December. My wife and I are of course very happy for them as they are all moving on with their dreams. However, there is a darkness about all of this for me. It’s not about keeping up with the Jones’ but a feeling of abandonment. Add in the fact I have been unemployed for many, many months with prospects running thin, and that feeling is compounded.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand people move on and life changes but more has changed in the past 8 months than the previous 8 years. We are also happy in our home but even so, I wonder if we are missing some sort of bandwagon. I suppose we have to be thankful for what we have. Besides, our daughter has only two more years of elementary school  so we don’t want to move and risk being in another school district. And even though all her younger neighborhood friends are gone, she is getting to that period where she will be hanging out with girls more her age anyway.

I guess I am writing this because in the past, I never had such a large group of friends and it just feels like all of that is dissolving along with my resolve to keep fighting for employment. I have submitted 90 resumes with the last two weeks and the phone sits silent. I contacted several people who had leads before, one of which was going to offer me a job in the summer and then suddenly didn’t have the budget. He now says they have won some key accounts and may have something for me (I am finding it hard to be optimistic about that). Another possibility is a junior position  where I don’t even have the skills to perform (web design)which is also making me depressed.

Maybe I will find Jesus

I at least want the OPTION to be able to move even if we CHOOSE to stay. At the moment, I think I am feeling trapped just because that option isn’t available right now and won’t be available even if I get a junior position. Did I also mention we will have new neighbours right beside us too? That’s always a trip. Will it be the slobs from planet Motherfucker or the noise demons from the 13th level of hell. Worse…could it be teenagers??

My wife is also looking for new employment which will be a positive change. I just wish I had a crystal ball to be able to see if/when all of this nonsense will end. Oh well, I guess that would take some of the mystery out of it. Perhaps I should just find Jesus and pray–but that’s not bloody likely.

Thanks for listening.

Softmelon out!

Simpletons

Most people are simpletons. If you are reading this blog, however, then you may be one of few,the proud, the illuminated.

Were you expecting me to say MARINES? Good lord, they are the uniformed leaders of the simpletons. If you or any member of your family is a member of any of the armed forces in whatever country you live in, then you my friend are a simpleton. Alas, I didn’t come here to offend those that fall victim to those sexy military commercials targeted at uneducated youth and their financially depressed parents. In fact, I’m fairly sure they wouldn’t be able to read let alone comprehend this post and thus are probably frantically looking up “simpleton” on google at this very moment.

Right now I am in a public library writing this. WTF happened to libraries?? There are several screaming babies, gangs of people talking in full voice and a white dude at the computer next to me babbling into a cell phone “Yo, I’m in the library, Yo. My phone don’t get no service in the library Yo. I gotta go, Yo. Peace.”

Now that I am back at home, that reminds me; Every bloody time I step foot into a Wal-mart, there is the sound of one incredibly annoying screaming child. What’s strange, however, is that I have NEVER witnessed said child. In fact, the screams and cries sound identical each time which leads me to believe it is part of Wal-mart’s clever audio ambiance marketing plan. Whatever the case, I am always reminded of how much I hate the retarded spawn of everyone else.

What has really set me off, my readers, is that I grow weary of what I have been seeing on television and in the movies lately. I won’t even venture down the road traveled too often by giving any additional exposure to those pigs John and Kate, Octomom or Balloon Boy. I’m more focused on the common simpletons.

1. Anyone who has paid good money to see PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and thought that it was incredibly well done and suspenseful, please step forward. You are a SIMPLETON. Please allow me to think for you. That movie was UNORIGINAL, UN-SCARY (yes I know that’s not a word you simpletons), and most importantly UN-WORTH it (see comment next to UN-SCARY). Go watch The Exorcist,  Blair Witch and Poltergeist for examples of true suspense. After all, most of Paranormal Activity was ripped off from those movies in some form or another.

2. If you think Dane Cook is in anyway remotely humorous, please feel free to speed into oncoming traffic while typing on your piece of shit Blackberry. The world doesn’t need you.

3. Jay Leno. I admit that his timing as a comedian is fantastic but I feel I’m watching a hollow shell of a human.

4. Ryan Seacrest & Ellen DeGeneres. I’m actually starting to see a pattern here. Along with Leno and Cook, these two very popular individuals are very non-challenging on the intellect and very sterile creatively. I think simpletons like those attributes.

5. I don’t know how to tell you this but Dr. OZ is not human. He is indeed Vulcan. Don’t believe me? Look at his ears! This makes him incredibly intelligent but rather boring after two episodes when he runs out of things to talk about besides the physics of poop.

6. Looks like Hillbilly Ray Cyrus is getting his next meal ticket ready by parading his 9 year old on the red carpet dressed as a supposed dominatrix. Billy Ray, are you really so stupid? You should at least wait until she is 10! In all honesty, she looks more like a vampire from those simpleton books about you know…teenage vampires and stuff. I guess all that Miley money can’t purchase common sense after all.

7. Dear Arnold Swartzenager, I fully understand that you want Canadians to spend tourist money in your state. However, a little piece of advice.  You are not going to entice us with commercials showing snowboarding and skiing especially during this time of year. Thanks for reminding us of the impending winter and that we can’t even escape it in California. Oh and thanks for reminding us that body builders and half-wit actors don’t necessarily make good politicians. I loved your work in Predator though! (Predator pictured below)

Why doesn't anyone want to "rape rape" me? Or at least touch me a little.

Finally a special shout out to those people showing their support for the child rapist, Roman Polanski. Good for you Whoopi! Thanks for informing all the simpletons that watch THE VIEW that it wasn’t “rape rape”. What I find more unbelievable than that comment is the fact that Whoopi has kids! I wanna meet the guy who got drunk enough to hit that! I probably never will. I imagine after that experience, he too became a fugitive.

The 13th Level of Hell

Oh Tasha Yar, what has become of you? Even the demon on the left can't believe he is in such a piece of shit!

“I am a Demon Torturer from the 13th level of Hell. I fuck with people. That’s what I do.”

I must admit I hardly give the local cable company’s video on demand service a second glance because for one it rarely fucking works and two, it’s nothing but shit movies. However, after a week where I went to a monstrous job interview where I was seen by 3 people back to back to back and all of them insisted on asking the same inane questions, I needed something to chase away the Friday night blues.

“What am I most proud of???” I am asked for the 3rd time. “Well sir, I’m most proud of the fact that I haven’t jumped across your desk to take that nice shiny letter opener of yours and plunge it deeply into your jugular while I laugh maniacally.”

Suffice to say–or is it suffice it to say?? (Who gives a shit, who gives a fuck?). Suffice to say, I was rejected two days later. At least they were quick about it. Where once I had many prospects, they seem to be dwindling. One company that seemed to love me won’t return my calls. Maybe I shouldn’t have jizzed on their windows. I also had interviews at other companies several weeks ago but alas I seem to be one of the forgotten.

On a lighter note, I wrote my first exam in 20 years and I think I did OK. Maybe the world is gonna be alright.

So back to the movie. After much searching, we came across a movie simply titled “Born”. The quote at the top of the post is from that very same movie. Now if I told you this movie contained a renegade, pistol wielding priest who enjoys killing people, a stuttering old obstetrician who examines his own pregnant virgin daughter and declares “Her hymen is still intact”, and none other than Tasha Yar from Star Trek playing the aging, wicked psychopathic sister of said pregnant virgin, you would think this was one helluva flick. Throw in an Albino that looks like a full size version of Vern Troyer, a tit that squirts green acid and two miscellaneous naked blonds and you have quite a circus on your hands.

Holy Shit, you hymen IS still attached!

To say this movie was bad is an injustice to the word. I don’t think there is a word strong enough in the English language to convey just how much of a travesty this was to film making other than SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCKING SHIT. This movie was directed by some turd named Richard Friedman and if he had submitted this piece of shit to a fucking high school film class he would have received an F! FUCK FUCK FUCK. It wasn’t even bad in a “haha” way. I really, really want my money back and I want that fuck Friedman to hand deliver it so I can slit his fucking throat and send him back to the 13th level of hell where he belongs.

Trust me, this brief strangeness in the alley with a chick looking 15 months pregnant was not as hot as it looks